Hikikomori, or "The Art of Failure"

According to Wikipedia, Hikikomori is:
"lit. "pulling away, being confined", i.e., "acute social withdrawal") is a Japanese term to refer to the phenomenon of reclusive individuals who have chosen to withdraw from social life, often seeking extreme degrees of isolation and confinement because of various personal and social factors in their lives. The term hikikomori refers to both the sociological phenomenon in general as well as to individuals belonging to this societal group."

I find this fascinating given all of my work with those women experiencing quarter life crisis. Imagine men (and apparently some women) halfway across the globe, refusing to leave their parent's homes and staying up all night, playing video games and such. Typically, this condition occurs for the eldest son of a Japanese family, after experiencing some sort of failure, either academic or social. Obviously, social conditions in Japan for men are terribly different than they are for American women....different pressures, different expectations....

OR are they? Both groups experience a level of expected perfection that is hardly obtainable, particularly with America's recent downturned economy. Today's college educated women are entering a job market where their own parents are having trouble finding employment.

So some of the conditions of Hikikomori are certainly parallel to what's happened here. For instance, Wikipedia states that the affluence of middle class families has allowed for adult children to move back home, or stay longer than they otherwise would if their families could not support them based on lower income-this is true in the US as well. More young women are returning home, tail betwixt legs, feeling completely and utterly like they have failed both themselves and their parents. This guilt and shame is overwhelming.

Parents are also blamed for the condition in Japan. It is said that "soft parenting", or allowing children to isolate and create an overdeveloped mother-child bond sets up the conditions for Hikikomori kids. Here in the US, I believe this is somewhat true as well. Parents of my clients often miss warning signs of depression, and allow their kids to isolate at home for too long. It seems that parents these days think they are doing their kids a big favor by letting them live at home until age 45. Not so much. Do your kids a solid, and come up with a 6-12 month plan to get your kids back on their own.

Lastly, the Japanese job market has mirrored the US in that kids of this generation can't count on working with the same company for the next 35 years. Without the direction of such a clear life goal, says Wikipedia, these kids feel lost and disenchanted.

While some have related the disorder to autism, I agree more with the theory that it stems more from trauma and PTSD. I think about this framework a lot when working with young women who are done with schooling, and are struggling with the realities of working in today's economy and having to rely on their folks for help. To me, a lot of the symptomology can be the same. And the treatment, remarkably similar.

As one counselor said in a NY Times article,
"When they call," Dr. Saito said, "I offer them three choices: 1) Come to me for counseling; 2) Kick your child out; 3) Accept your child's state and be prepared to take care of him for the rest of your life. They choose Option 1." He also offers poignantly simple parenting tips, like not leaving dinner at a child's doorstep. "You make dinner and call him to the table, and if he doesn't come then let him fend for himself." In addition to meals, parents often provide monetary allowances for their adult child, and in rare cases, if a child has become verbally or physically abusive, parents move out, leaving their home to the shut-in. "

I find the parallels fascinating, and the pressure for middle-class American women to be educated (in schools they can no longer afford), and successful in a career (that is no longer waiting for them upon graduation) to create similar conditions to those boys across the globe suffering from Hikikomori.

My hope is that young women and men can find their way past the depression, pain, and isolation, and find solace in each other and hope in their resiliency. Sometimes breaking open is the only way to move forward.